Addicted to Depression

"I can feel the darkness crawling inside my bones, like a venomous serpent.

It is a wonderful pain.

I can feel the black venom tickling down my veins - making my blood cold and black.

It is killing me slowly - burning me to my core.

And, yet I am afraid of letting it go.

The melancholy is my drug.

I am intoxicated by this dark.

This heart wrenching pain makes me feel alive.

Though I know, one day it will turn me into ashes, I still can't let it go."

It is a known fact that depression and addictions are related.

 In most of the cases substance abuse (addiction of drugs and alcohol) is either the effect or the cause of depression. They are interdependent. Dual Diagnosis is a condition in which the individual suffers from both addiction as well as depression; but if depression is your addiction, then? What would you call that? Well, I believe you can simply call it depression because fact suggests that the depressed person is often afraid or unwilling to let go of the depression. So we can say that a depressed person is somewhat addicted to his situation.  On an unconscious level the person is addicted to his own depression. I know this statement might offend many individuals, who have been fighting against depression for years, but before you launch an attack on me, I would like to point out that this is a proven scientific fact and not just my personal analysis. It certainly does not apply to everyone but quiet a large number of people hold on to this depression due to various reasons. It can be guilt, it can be a way to hurt the people whom you blame for your condition, and it can be a defence mechanism…

Now I will like to share my personal story. I am suffering from depression. I don’t spend my days crying or complaining. Infact most of the people won’t be able to guess that I’m sad. My depression is not the worst thing. The worst thing is that I am afraid to let go of this depression. I am afraid! It has been with me for so long that now it feels like an integral part of me, like it somehow defines me. And the idea of letting go of that part makes me feel empty. I somehow enjoy this agony, this self-induced torture. Why? Am I masochistic? I guess not! Under no circumstance I enjoy pain. Then why?  Here, I have a personal theory - It is such a condition that weakens your willingness to fight it. You grow accustomed to it and you are afraid to let it go and become happy- simply put.

I am well aware of the fact that it is not healthy. So, I have decided to let go of my fear first and then stop clinging to it… let’s see !